What does it mean to be a "true gentleman"?

This is a piece I began writing for a local news agency but this version differs greatly from the published piece. Given that so much of online news now can be prone to want shorter, easy to digest pieces, they wanted something different for their target audience of young women that day dream of one day finding their Atticus Finch only to discover he's a zombie.

In any case, I post the original here for your reading pleasure. I sincerely wanted to give the article some substance and really drive home the point of "just because this boy does x, y, and z does NOT mean he's a gentleman". If the boy who dons a suit and fedora at the local high school can technically do all the same "things" as say, Atticus Finch, then why is the former not regarded as a gentleman? What is filling in the gaps there? Here you go:


You’re interested in dating and getting married to a great guy, but is he a true gentleman?

"True gentleman" is a loaded term and is referred to with many presuppositions of what this really means. Take, for example, the high school boy who dons a suit, tie, fedora and strives to be polite and proper in all situations. Do these outward expressions make him a gentleman? Certainly he’s well-meaning, but why do these poor, hapless guys elicit such poor reactions from the very women they are trying to attract? Does this man constitute what it means to be a "true gentleman"?

To more fully understand what is meant by the term, “true gentleman," let’s take a look at the breakdown of the words: gentle and man.

Being a Man

What does it mean to “be a man”? Is this the Liam Neeson tough-guy who can take down any number of enemies just by his strength or physicality? Or, is it the man who keeps to himself, making peace in the world by not rocking the boat? Neither, but a little bit of both. As a John Wayne said, “You’ve got to be a man first before you can be a gentleman." Or, in other words, you can't be a gentleman unless you know what it means to be a man.

There are certain characteristics of being a man who are innate. He wants to protect, provide and produce. While these may seem stereotypical, deep inside any male are these desires, even if they are covered with layers of decay and rust from too many days, months or even years of sitting on the basement couch viewing life as seen through a screen.

The thing about “being a man” is that a man will know what life can bring to the ring, and they know how to knock out whatever it is. Whether that be securing a good job, taking a girl on a date, being physically fit or conquering weaknesses, a man knows himself well enough to face life and rise above it.

Perhaps the single most powerful characteristic and tell of what it means to be a man is that of self-mastery. Mastery of yourself is a hard-fought war but it brings confidence and intangible characteristics that nothing else can. Mastery over one's appetites, spending, slothfulness, temper, passions and time are battles to be continually fought, but the payoff is always worth it. Being a man is about knowing the fight, the pain and the growth that comes from this process, and being able to apply that in a productive way in the real world.

Being Gentle

Oft times, in considering what makes a gentleman too much emphasis is placed on the word “gentle", or at least how the word gentle is meant in this context. Being gentle is good, but being gentle does not mean you are a pushover.  Perhaps gentleman should be referred to as a "man who is in control". As is said in the play, “Into the Woods," being nice is different from good.

Simply being gentle without having the manly characteristics mentioned above is the boy in the baggy suit wearing the fedora. He has the makings of a gentleman, but who is on the inside of the suit? How does he fill it out and make it a compliment to himself rather than who he is? As the 17th-century writer and philosopher Francois de La Rochefoucauld put it: “Nobody deserves to be praised for goodness unless he is strong enough to be bad, for any other goodness is usually merely inertia or lack of will-power.”

In the excellent post by the blog, "The Art of Manliness" the author describes this very quote as such: "In Roman Honor, Dr. Carlin Barton points out that in antiquity, a man who lived in involuntary poverty was not respected for his frugality, and the “impotent man got no credit for continence. Rather, self-control was most to be praised where it was least expected.” Cicero got at this idea when he said: “To the degree that moderation is more rare in kings, to that degree it is more to be lauded.”

In other words, it is most impressive for a man to demonstrate virtues that he will struggle to achieve, and be sorely tested to violate.

If an awkward man who goes about his life very quietly and privately stays faithful to his wife for 50 years, we think it’s nice and praiseworthy. But, if say, a prime minister, who will have ample temptations to stray, exhibits the same loyalty, we are quadrupely impressed. In the first case, the man’s goodness may have more to do with a lack of opportunities than active restraint. In the latter case, we see clear evidence of the demonstration of energy and will.

Barton brings this distinction home by having the reader imagine a person who is trying to swear off junk food and decides to test their will by passing by a vending machine without making a purchase. If this man feels the pull towards getting a candy bar, but doesn’t act on it only because he doesn’t have the money, this will not constitute an exercise of his will, and the man will thus not feel empowered. Likewise, if he doesn’t buy a candy bar simply because he doesn’t know how to operate the machine, he will leave “not with a feeling of increased energy but with embarrassment and a feeling of inadequacy.” To enhance his willpower, the man must “approach the machine with both the necessary change and full knowledge of how to work the machine.” To gain credit in his own eyes, and in the eyes of others, he must “have both the desire and the ability to transgress.”

The man who could effectively exercise his baser and primal instincts but chooses not to, is the one who wins our honor and respect."

So what is it then? What does it mean to be gentle? It means to have the power and knowledge to do anything a man pleases, but he chooses to say no. It is restraint. It is being in control. It is choosing to suppress his will and to intentionally live in a way that is good, civil and respects the interests and needs of others.

Being a Gentleman

Traits like kindness, honor, honesty, politeness, strength, respect, being virtuous, being empathetic, having manners, dressing intentionally, being thoughtful, being patient, being resourceful, being proactive, being aware, having etiquette, speaking well, being clean (in every sense), and taking action over one's life, while being great to emulate, are nothing if not coupled with the kind of exercising of ones will and self-mastery in doing what one should do, and not what one wants to do.

Remember, manners, in the end, do not make the man. It’s the fire, the grit, the heat of life that forges and tempers these manly characteristics mentioned previously, and when applied in the proper way, create a new creature; a creature called gentleman.

Now to answer the question of, how can I tell if my man is a true gentleman? Is he living intentionally? Does he know what it means to be a man? Does he keep his desires and actions in check? Is he actively seeking to improve? Does he want to contribute to the world? Education and academia offer some of the very best resources to glean, develop and cultivate these attributes from. If your man isn't who he wants to be, I'd suggest first helping him get educated, whether that be formally or informally. As the cheshire cat said to Alice, "If you don't know where you want to go (or what you want to be), then it doesn't matter which path you take (or what you do)."

In the end, being a gentleman is a process, just as is becoming a man. The two can and will rise together in strength. In facing life intentionally, deliberately and courageously, becoming a gentleman will come. Just get off the couch and do it.